ohana means family [closed]

[bornofstone]

Who: Fili and Kili
What: Going into the caves was a massive mistake and now Fili's an emotional mess
When: July 24

Not only had been braving the caves a step in the completely wrong direction, the emotional trauma it had caused had left Fili shaking and unusually clingy. It had taken quite the effort for Thorin to convince him that it wasn't real and to leave the body that looked, felt, and smelled like Kili behind. He couldn't get his mother's words out of his head, how he'd abandoned his brother before, that he was a horrible brother that couldn't take care of his family...

It may not have been real, but Fili's having a hard time shaking the doubt and unease. Coming home to be welcomed by Fleur and Keil helps, but it's not enough to throw it off completely. Claiming he wants an early night's sleep, Fili manages to slip off on his own and wait in Kili's room, staring at a wall and hugging Kili's pillow.

It's harder to convince himself that the body wasn't really his brother's when Kili is still nowhere to be found.

Comments

[bornofstone]

"I was sort of trapped underground for a while." Fili huffs at Raz before glancing at Kili. "...How long was I gone, anyway?"

[youngestone]

He shrugs. "A week, maybe? I don't know for sure, I didn't come home until Hayato told me you guys were down there."

[bornofstone]

Fili shudders a bit. "I guess that explains a lot... Though it is strange that you didn't start decomposing. I should have seen that." He shakes his head, not even realizing he's said something strange. "Ugh."

[youngestone]

He stares. "Why's it weird I wasn't decomposing?"

[bornofstone]

Fili shakes his head suddenly, not wanting to worry his brother. "Huh? No, sorry, I'm just...thinking out loud again. I'm tired."

He doesn't even have to fake the yawn that comes after his words.

[youngestone]

"Fili, tell me."

[bornofstone]

"There's nothing to tell, Kili." He doesn't meet his eyes, a sure sign he's lying.

[youngestone]

Already in a bad mood, Kili huffs and looks away himself.

"Sure, don't tell me. I'm just the annoying baby of the family anyway, can't do anything right, no one ever wants to tell me shit."

[bornofstone]

Exhausted, worn down, and just generally in a bad mood himself, Fili's almost unending patience finally cracks and he snaps.

"Fine, you want me to tell you about how I was wandering through those caves covered in blood and dirt with my brother's body in my arms? How I watched you die and I heard you scream for me and I was too late to do anything? You're right, Kili, I'm just trying to hurt you by keeping that from you. Because that's all I ever do to you, isn't it? Hurt you and let you down and abandon you--" He chokes up a bit, all the doubt and hurt coming back to him, and he looks away, this time so Kili won't see him coming apart again.

[youngestone]

Kili is quiet, still not meeting Fili's eyes. When he does speak, he's still upset--but he is less annoyed.

"I didn't say that, idiot. You've never hurt me or abandoned me...not unless we were fighting, anyway. Don't put words in my mouth, and stop trying to protect me. I don't need it like I used to! I'm a big boy now, I can handle it! I can do stuff and hear stuff like that without crying for Ma, yeah?" He snorts. "I know how fucked up it gets under Union. That's why I asked."

[bornofstone]

"Don't you get it?" His tone is weary, voice shaking a bit. "That's my biggest fear, Kili. Thinking that I've let you down, or...that something happened to you because of me. I'm your big brother. I'm supposed to protect you. Ma used to always nag on me about it, especially after Dad..."

Fili takes a deep breath. "I don't want you to worry about me. Ever. It's my job to look after you and make sure you're okay, and...I spent the last week holding your corpse." He's quiet again for a moment. "...I'm not alright, Kili."

[youngestone]

Another pause, and then Kili flops on Fili in a sort of embrace. "Idiot, I coulda told you that. What're you gonna do when I'm an adult, huh? You can't baby me forever. None of you can...though Ma's gonna try."

[bornofstone]

Fili leans against him, reveling in his warmth, the life in him. It's relaxing and he closes his eyes.

"You're supposed to stay a baby, stupid. No more growing up."

[youngestone]

"My birthday is in October, dumbass."

[bornofstone]

"No. No more birthdays. Get smaller again."

[youngestone]

Kili pokes Fili in the side. "Been taller than you for three years now, shorty. Not happening."

[bornofstone]

Fili squirms and makes a noise of discontent before yawning loudly. "At least promise you won't run off?"

[youngestone]

"I only did it the first time because you and Thorin can handle yourselves and I wanted to prove I can. The second time was to give you both a chance to calm down because I wasn't going to wait for Thorin's lid to pop."

[bornofstone]

"I know, I know. But you know I worry."

And fuss. Nearly as bad as their mother.

[youngestone]

He snorts again. "Yeah, like Ma does. Really, Fee, you're never gonna find a spouse if you mother everyone to death."

[bornofstone]

Now it's Fili's turn to snort, still leaning against Kili's shoulder. "I'm not really concerned about getting married."

[youngestone]

"Hey, one of us has to give Ma grandkids and do we really want me parenting?" He shudders at the thought. "Nope, gotta be you. Sorry."

[bornofstone]

"I've already got one kid." He nudges his brother, giving him a smile.

[youngestone]

That gets a pinch in the side. "I'm taken, get your own."

[bornofstone]

Fili chuckles, closing his eyes. "...I'm glad you're back."