bravenewworld | (no subject)

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[ The days prior to Kyurem's attack on the city left Sanae out of sorts. While she was no stranger to fending off gods by this point--a thought that was still strange and a bit chilling to her--this was different.

Heatran never made it to Citadel. These attacks never struck so close to home before, figuratively and literally.

There was so much that went wrong during that short amount of time. The theater was in shambles, and there were injured among the staff; innocent people who knew nothing about battle, caught up in the shuffle and hurt due to the Divine Defense Force's oversight. Takuto was hurt, badly, and while he seemed to be healing up just fine, the fact that he sustained his injuries defending her... stung, to say the least.

More than that, she had actions to answer to. Mercy killing was not something that was looked down upon in the Citadel, especially on the battlefield. It was seen as a sign of respect, an act of charity for one suffering to end their life. But Union was different, and yet...

And yet...

During her work restoring the theater, or helping those who were unfortunate enough to be caught in the crossfire, the young priestess seemed distracted at best. She didn't speak much, and many of her actions were executed purely from muscle memory. She made few mistakes, but even in her daze, she was likely to miss something.

Even around town, fetching supplies, shopping for food--even just getting away--she was almost like a ghost of her usual, chipper self. She paid her respects at the Hikawa shrine often, praying for those lost that day. It still stung. From time to time, she would seek out familiar faces, be they people from Citadel, or those familiar faces from the city that welcomed her and called her one of them. Could she still say she was?

She felt like she could do nothing; and what she did do cast her as an outsider, someone who was not welcome here. She wasn't sure what to do... ]

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Mm, certainly. It sounds like a good idea. People could use that sort of thing right now.

[She motions, then she smiles; it's the big sister, reassuring smile.]

Please, then, I'll follow you.

[ Mami... looked all right. That was good. Sanae was worried that her friends had gotten hurt in the attack, but knowing that Mami was all right--well, that should be expected, she was a valkyrie after all.

Valkyries knew what to do in the heat of battle. They never questioned their actions, on or off the battlefield. She wished... she wished that she could be like that. Even after a few days, the Steelix she had to put down was still on her mind. It was suffering, screaming in pain; there was no way that they could truly save it, only prolong it's pain. So why did it bother her so much? ]

Um.

[ No, no, she couldn't ask about something like that. Shaking her head at the thought, Sanae forced a smile. ]

I'm glad you're okay, after what happened. What about your Pokemon? How are they?

[Mami's still walking a little slow -- some of the bad bruises are covered, too -- but she's been worse. Perhaps matching a line of thought similar to Sanae's, she isn't showing how they hurt. A stiff upper lip and the like. She walks, before she glances sideways at Sanae.]

[She catches the forced smile; she catches the hesitation, too. She answers the question first.]

They're resting. They... were all hurt. Some worse than others. It will take them some time. I fought the god directly.

[She hesitates, too, then. Then, she asks:]

What about you, Sanae? Are you okay, after all of that?

Huh, me?

[ The question came as a bit of a surprise to her, and part of her wanted to say no, she was not. There was a lot weighing on her mind after the battle--how they had managed to let someone attack their city, and the things that she had done--but to trouble someone like Mami with that... How could she? Mami was a valkyrie, she was used to dealing with these sorts of things on a regular basis. Admitting that bit of weakness was not acceptable.

She awkwardly smiled, even laughed a little bit, the whole thing rather uncomfortable. ]

Oh, yeah! I'm fine. No-thing to worry about!

[ Except everything. She lowered her gaze a bit, looking like she had more to say, and was struggling with whether or not she should. ]

[It's not hard to see that everything isn't fine. Mami can tell that from... well, everything about Sanae's body language. She watches her for a moment, and then she looks forward.]

Mm...

[Just a moment's hesitation, as she thinks of how to continue. Finally, she looks sideways, right at her.]

You can tell me, if you need to talk about it, Sanae.

[ A sigh. Sanae stopped walking, her head still lowered slightly. She wasn't going to be able to avoid this, was she? Hesitating, the priestess took a breath, started, stopped, then started again. ]

Have--have there ever been times when you've questioned what you've done on the battlefield? Even if you knew that you did what you had to do?

...I think everyone who has fought has, at some point.

[Maybe not everyone, but she'd like to think so. The ones who don't... they would be nearly inhuman. She can't imagine that.]

Sometimes, we know what we have to do, but it isn't an easy decision. It shouldn't be easy to decide to hurt someone. Or to kill them. Or to be hurt -- or killed -- for someone else's sake.

[ The fact that Mami questioned herself somehow surprised Sanae. She thought that strength came from conviction--that's why she thought the people of Union were so strong, or the Valkyries for that matter. The priestess looked at the other girl with surprise. ]

Even you? What do you do, when that happens? And after?

[Unhealthily ignore it, and say she was doing what she deserved because she abandoned her parents. But Mami can't tell her that and she's... been working on it.]

I try to... remind myself of why I fight. Weigh the good I'm trying to do against the hurts I cause.

When we choose to not fight, something will come of that choice. We can't be sure what it is. But... we have to decide what we think it might be, and ask ourselves whether that outcome is worse than the harm we cause when we do battle.

But what if the hurts that you cause cause someone else to suffer? What do you do then? What can we do?

[ Judging from the directness of her question, it seemed she had something specific in mind. ]

...Mm. You have to consider that too. Sometimes, your actions will hurt someone else -- and others, too. But...

[Mami looks down, frowning for a moment.]

...If you did nothing at all, would things have been better?

[She's pretty sure something happened, at this point.]

[ Sanae stands there, contemplating Mami's question. Would things have gotten better, if she hadn't taken a life? It was suffering, and would have continued to suffer, even if they had tried to heal it. The priestess's gaze lowered, the weight of the question bearing down on her. ]

...Sanae.

[She hesitates a moment. Then, she pulls the girl into a tight hug, and shakes her head.]

We can't know, sometimes. We have to do the best we can. Sometimes, when we do our best, it still hurts. Sometimes, there isn't an easy answer. When that feels overwhelming, it...

...It's okay to feel overwhelmed by that. Ignoring those difficulties only hurts us. It leads to Valkyries who won't fly true. We have to learn from times like these, then grow because of what we learned.

[ The hug surprises her, and Sanae stands there in stunned silence for a moment. The hug does seem to trigger something, however, and while she tries to hold her emotions in, it's a bit too much for her. The priestess swallows hard, trying to keep any sobs at bay. She nods. ]

[Mami pulls back after a moment, then she nods at Sanae, trying to make eye contact.]

And... remember. Despite what some Valkyries might tell you, having doubts and questions isn't weakness.

[ It was hard for Sanae to return the gesture, and she struggled a bit, but the young girl forced herself to maintain eye contact. ]

...Okay.

It means you consider those hurt by your actions.

...The people we faced, I don't think they did. They accepted those they hurt as necessary. Without regret.

[ Sanae shook her head. ]

I don't think so either. That Steelix got left behind, not to mention the people around Union...

Yes. The people in the towers, too. Even... their own Pokemon. That worldview -- that people should die, for not supporting them, or that they should die to support them...

There's no room for people to live their lives, with ideals like that.

[ Sanae nodded, her expression solemn, convicted. ]

But how can we stand up to someone like that, or change their mind? They were able to do so much damage. People are scared. I can see it.

We...

[She's struggled with this, too. Her voice wavers, her countenance is filled with hesitation for a moment. She looks down -- and then she nods, more sure, then.]

...show them that we are more than fighters. We will fight -- and we will become stronger, so we can stop them. But we can show them that we will rebuild. We will help others be happy. So that even if they destroy our homes, they can't break us.

[ ...Are those ways to be strong too? Sanae hesitates before finally nodding. ]

You're right. We can't let them see us down like this.

Mm-hmm. Nor should we let them have that kind of power over us.

[She smiles a little at that.]

[ After a moment of silent contemplation, the younger girl threw her arms around Mami. ]

...Thank you.

[Mami hugs back then, sighing with relief. It isn't easy to see Sanae looking down like that.]

I'm happy to have helped.

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