Video

[schmott_guy]

[While all the recent chaos is certainly important, it's not the only thing happening in Union. For example, just now is a new broadcast showing the grainy warp band footage of Gilgamesh standing in what looks like some kind of elaborate machine shop.]

Exciting news! I have revolutionized the food service industry! Behold!

[He makes a dramatic gesture and the warp band camera, which is apparently being held by someone else, turns to one side a bit to show what looks like a vague caricature of a man made of steel, with polished brass highlights.]

I call it the chefclank! Using a complex logic engine and a series of prerecord end recipes, the chefclank can perfectly replicate the motions of a human chef, and prepare any meal.

Chefclank: Initiate routine coleslaw.

[the metal man jerkily comes to life, spitting little burst of steam and making faint clanking noises as it moves. It reaches off to the side and pulls out a cabbage, which it starts to chop up with a kitchen knife.]

Just imagine it! In the future, ALL of man's needs will be provided for by armies of mechanical servants like this one! Free from the tyrannical demands of survival, we will all be free to devote our lives to art, literature, or science!

[As he rambles on in this vein, the chefclank runs out of cabbage, and starts cutting up other things: a pear, a cutting board, a bowl, a hammer...Gil didn't notice until it grabbed a distressed looking scatterbug and raised the knife.]

...And that's just the start! With Union's entire workforce mechanized-WHAT ARE YOU DOING!?

[Noticing the automaton's malfunction at last, Gil flings himself over the table and tackles it before it can hurt the poor Pokemon. So did whoever was holding the camera, for the view tilted oddly as if it was dropped, and what looked like a dwarf in an enormous, body concealing coat and hat ran into view babbling unintelligably to help. All of them fell out of view, leaving viewers to guess what was happening from the sounds of them struggling on the floor.

After a minute of silence, Gil climbed back up and deposited the unharmed scatterbug on the table. His left sleeve is in tatters, and his arm has a few scratches on it.]

Well, at least I can declare the self sharpening knife a success.

Back to the drawing board.

[He reaches over and kills the feed, regretting the decision to do this live.]

Comments

[schmott_guy]

*cough* Gil.

[Ez's girlfriend. Filed under "Not very interesting".

Don't worry Lux, most people are filed there.]

I might have to break the whole thing down and start from scratch, honestly. I don't think I'm going about this the right way at all.

[ladyofluminosity]

Huh?

[ Did you say something, Bill? ]

That seems like such a waste. Can't you just, I don't know, kick it or something? That always seems to work for Ezreal when his stuff breaks or doesn't work right.

[ It's probably some kind of ancient Engineering strategy. ]

[schmott_guy]

It's a prototype. A proof of concept. Getting it to sort of work isn't good enough.

[ladyofluminosity]

I don't know, that method usually works pretty well for him.

[schmott_guy]

Delvers have lower standards than I do, then.

[ladyofluminosity]

[ Wow rude. ]

Hey, delvers aren't bad people! A little dirty, maybe more than a bit crass, kind of rude...

But they aren't bad people!

Most of them.

[ ... ]

Some of them.

[schmott_guy]

I didn't say they were bad people. Their job is to find anything that works at all. My job is to make things that work right.

Sounds like you're the one with a problem with delvers, honestly.

[ladyofluminosity]

What? No, not really. I work with them all the time. I'm engaged to one.

[schmott_guy]

Yes I heard about that. Congratulations...?

[He doesn't know her very well, but is honestly doubtful that being engaged to Ezreal of all people is worthy of celebration.]

[ladyofluminosity]

Thank you? You don't sound too sure. Is there something I should know about?

[schmott_guy]

Well, I mean...

You've met him, right?

[ladyofluminosity]

[ You did not just. ]

Of course I've met him, what kind of question is that?!

[ Probably a pretty legitimate one, considering social class. ]

[schmott_guy]

And you actually want to get married?

To Ezreal?

[ladyofluminosity]

[ WOW. ]

Not that it's any of your business, but yes, yes I do. Why?

[schmott_guy]

The inventor of the 200 proof rum sugar doom? The master of the rattata catcher routine? The rooftop folk dancing champion?

That Ezreal?

[ladyofluminosity]

...Wait, what?

[ She hasn't heard about any of this. Tell her more. ]

[schmott_guy]

He didn't tell you about any of that?

[ladyofluminosity]

No...

[ But you're going to tell her, right Bill? ]

[schmott_guy]

Well, I'm not sure I should be the one to tell you about those. Sounds like something you should work out between yourselves.

[ladyofluminosity]

If you know Ezreal, you know he won't actually tell me the whole story. He'll make something up about how amazing he was, and how he did everything right, and was somehow the hero, or whatever.

[schmott_guy]

They still sell Sugar Doom in some bars. Try one sometime. It'll put a whole new light on things.

Be careful with it though, the 200 proof isn't just for show.

[What they were doing at bars when they're still teenagers is...probably about what you think they were.]

[ladyofluminosity]

200?!

[ No, she's been to Teeters before, she knows how lax the security is.

Dear Savior, that would kill her. ]

[schmott_guy]

It took some real thinking to get it to 200, but I think the official ruling was that it wouldn't lower the proof as long as any non alcoholic parts of the drink were solids.

[ladyofluminosity]

[ Facepalm. ]

Yeah, that sounds like something that he would come up with.

[schmott_guy]

Anyways the other two stories aren't ones suitable for mixed company, so I'll leave prying those out of him to you.