bravenewworld | Video | I wasn't born so much as I fell out

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Video | I wasn't born so much as I fell out

So~o...

[It's rather widely known by now, at least among the noble families, that some of the Flourites were involved in a very public - and rather loud, when it came to some parts - argument at a dinner party recently. Since Fai was the catalyst, perhaps that's the reason he's looking a bit sheepish.]

My family has kind of decided to cut me off financially, at least for now. [He shrugs lightly, barely looking bothered - almost amused, really, but perhaps also a bit bewildered.] Not as bad as being disowned, and really, it's not that effective since they didn't cut my twin brother.

[He laughs, but then makes a slight grimace, pulling up his knees to rest his chin on them.]

A~ny~way, it still feels a bit strange to live off his money, you know? Which is silly, because I've always lived off my family's money, but I suppose I've never been much for making sense anyway.

The point is, I feel like maybe I should actually get a real job and get money that way instead.

[A hesitation, and now his laughter sounds more embarrassed.]

Except, of course, I have no idea how you do that. Do you just go around asking people until someone says yes, something like that? I'm good at science and math and such things, but I've got no idea how useful that sort of thing is for making money, so maybe I should just focus on more practical skills?

...I must sound pretty strange to normal people, huh? I mean, people who've actually had to take care of themselves properly instead of learning which fork comes first, that sort of thing. But there it is. I'm only really good at being a noble, and that's not much good for anything at all, so I guess I'll just have to learn something new.

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[The source of the argument--and one of its two main participants-- paces the floor of Fai's apartment, restless and frustrated. Okay, so part of him knows that maybe arguing right back at Fai's uncle when he blew up at them was... not the best thing, but what was he supposed to do? Keep his mouth shut and his head down while some big asshole talked down to him and threw every rumor there'd ever been about him (most of them true) in his face and threatened his boyfriend?]

[As if. Family or not, some things were never to be taken sitting down. So he stood, and... Well, there'd been a lot of words, and Fai might have had to hold him back from trying to slap a man twice his size with half the money in the city, and even days later, he was on edge, sharp, something hot and angry underlying his usual jokes. He wasn't angry at Fai, he was angry for him, and it was just... hard to let go, especially in light of their retaliation.]

I can't believe they'd actually do that! You're their kid, it's their actual job to look out for you! What kind of a jerk puts an "if" in there? I totally can't--

Whatever. We should like, talk to Pamela, she'd know who to see about science-y jobs. Or... my mom has contacts in the Rangers, and my dad knows most of the Agricultural Tower workers, if you want in there. Or we could borrow some money from my grandparents! Go into business, or something. We can... I don't know, like...

You don't need them. We don't need them!

[It's really strange to have Feliks' anger be so personal. With Team Evolution, it had been much more easy to deal with, seeing as how they were strangers and Fai didn't like them much either. But now... now it's a lot more intense, and because it's directed at Fai's family, it definitely directly pertains to him in a way it didn't before.]

[He has no idea how to deal with it.]

[Right now, he uncurls a bit and hesitantly reaches out his hand to Feliks, not sure if he's going to take it or not. He knows Feliks isn't actually angry at him, but since he'd put himself in the way of Feliks' anger and also had attempted to mollify him before, it still made him unsure of how the other boy felt towards him.]

Well, I am of an age when it's usually socially accepted for parents not to support their child if they don't want to, right? And they know I'm not completely stranded. It's really more like they cut me off from any unnecessary luxuries, that sort of thing. And it's their money.

[Feliks doesn't exactly react negatively to his hand--just brushes it off, almost like it's not there, because he has too much energy and he needs to keep moving. Keep moving, or maybe he'll just blow up again, right?]

But they're not doing it 'cause they think you need to stand on your own two feet, they're doing it to be assholes! Or--or to control you, which really, same difference! Like they even want you to know how to take care of yourself!

[Whoops, was that a bit of anti-noble bias from being raised by people who'd rejected that lifestyle by choice? Maybe!]

That's not the important part-- they're not important, we're gonna figure out what to do! Okay? Like you ever really needed their help!

[Fai nonetheless looks a little hurt, not being good at dealing with rejection in any form, even when it's actually not meant like that. But he takes his hand back and sort of awkwardly sticks it between his knees, pressing hard as if trying to get it to stay put.]

Well, I guess they don't. They want me to be able to take care of myself in their world. But they're still not leaving me alone and unprotected either, just... not able to buy as many dresses as I want, I guess.

[Admittedly, he's a bit sad about that, but it seems rather petty and spoiled, all things considered. He sighs, shifting a bit fretfully and smiling in that special way that is no doubt familiar to Feliks by now.]

So really, I'm sure things aren't so very bad, okay? You're right, we'll come up with some other way.

Well, you have lots of those already. And you can totally wear mine, too! The ones that aren't too short.

We will. And they're gonna see, they were only ever holding you back!

[It hurts, to see Fai hurt by them, and he has no idea how to really soothe that pain--he just keeps trying to fight back against them, like somehow he can win and prove to Fai that he's better than his stupid goddamn uncle has him convinced. With that as his only recourse, it's hard not to lash out at just the thought of them, both defensive of Fai and hurting, himself.]

[OOC: ...because that's the only one Fai's uncle knows.]

[Fai's smile widens as he tries to be encouraging, tries to show that really, it isn't so bad at all and Feliks doesn't have to be worried.]

Exactly~. So it's not even such a big deal, okay? I'm sorry uncle shouted at you, but really, this doesn't have to be such a big thing, right?

[Translation: He just really wants to ignore it until it goes away.]

Anyway, I bet it'll be fun to find out ways to survive on my own for a change.

[Ugh. There it is-- the un-smile, the hiding-smile, the words that say and don't say I'm not important, let's just ignore me!]

[He hates them.]

[He turns suddenly to face Fai, teeth gritting slightly, eyes narrowed in anger and distaste.]

You think I still give a damn about him yelling at me? I'm fine, because I know he's wrong and doesn't matter!

How is it not a big deal that everyone thinks it's totally okay for him to talk to you like that? Where do they get off thinking they get to dictate your life and control who you love and make you feel like-- like this? How can you even say it's not a big deal when they act like you're... I don't even know, an asset to be managed?

You are a bigger deal than that! And when they see how fine you are without them, they're totally gonna feel like idiots for not realizing it!

[Fai shrank slightly in the face of such concentrated anger, his smile not exactly disappearing but growing thin, as it was stretched over far too many conflicting emotions.]

I didn't- I didn't mean it quite like that, you know. [He drew in a breath which shuddered a bit and sounded strange to his own ears.] I just meant that we don't have to take it... well, personally, right?

[Except they were his family and how could he not take it that way when they obviously disapproved of who he loved? But he tried to not think about that.]

I didn't mean to make you angry, though. I'm sorry. I'm just acting all strange and stupid about all this, huh?

That's totally not it!

[He shakes his head, frustrated with his inability to express his feelings clearly, still angry, but also a little guilty, a little worried that now he's hurting Fai, too. But he can't just let this continue!]

You don't have to say that--since when did you do anything wrong? None of this is your fault!

And that's why it's personal! You shouldn't have to apologize for just being you! Not to me, either, ok?

[Also, it's personal because dude seriously, every single thing that was said in that argument was personal.]

[Fai just looks lost now, unsure how to make anger and "it's not your fault" fit together. It really shouldn't be that hard, but he's kind of used to always assuming a part of the blame by now, and this situation is so very strange to him.]

[The smile stubbornly stays, stranded as if caught in the middle of a tide, but this time when he reaches out a hand it's more a plea than a placating gesture. He needs comfort but isn't sure how to ask for it because he can't shake the thought that he doesn't deserve it.]

I don't think I understand what you want me to do, Feliks. I'm no good at being angry, and I don't think there's anything I can do about my family anyway. [He a hand through his feathers, shivering slightly.] So can't we just... ignore it for now and try to think of other things?

I want--

[Feliks hesitates, unsure how to explain how he feels, unsure how to help Fai. He bites his lip, and finally he just goes to him and wraps around him, pressing his face against himself.]

I want you to see that who you are is a million times better than any stupid, lifeless fantasy of you they have, and you shouldn't feel bad for choosing the real you, and you're nothing to be ashamed of. I'm mad because they've known you forever, and it's the dumbest thing I've ever heard that they can't see that. I don't actually care if they approve of me or whatever, but it's not right for them to act like who they approve of is more important than what you want for your own life! It sucks, and ignoring them won't make them stop!

[He hugs him as tight as he can, shaking a little, too.]

...I want them to be the family someone like you deserves. Ok? That's not--it's not your fault.

[And then there are arms around him, and Feliks is saying such strange and confusing things, things that just won't fit properly in his mind and which feel too hot when they touch his heart. He tries to reply, only to find his throat weirdly constricted, and a warmth on his cheeks which he doesn't want to admit is tears, but which won't go away just because he wants to ignore it either.]

But there's... [He fumbles for the right words, feeling stupid with too many emotions at once clamoring for attention.] No matter what I do, I still won't make them stop. I can do what they want me to do and take my responsibility, or I can disobey and accept that this is how things will be.

[And so crying really makes no sense at all, and he should stop and just move on, but somehow it's hard to do that.] You can't make them the kind of family you think I should have just by wanting. So what's the point in getting angry?

Edited 2014-06-26 03:05 (UTC)

Just wanting won't change it. That is the point of getting mad!

[Here, he's just going to wrap around Fai like a little tiny super-heated blanket, trying not to have an outburst of the frustration of Fai not getting something that should be so clear, that's so clear in his own heart.]

If you do things their way, you say they're right, even though it's not who you are. If you accept that doing things your way means you get treated like that, it's still saying it's their right to shame you and punish you. It's not! It's not, and telling them is the only way they'll ever see it!

And if they still don't...

If they still don't, then it's not your fault. It's theirs, and they're the ones who lose.

You have to stand up for yourself. And if you don't, then I have to--someone has to! You deserve that, because... because we all do. If no one stands up when something's wrong, how are the wrong things ever supposed to change?

Edited 2014-06-26 03:10 (UTC)

[Fai just shook his head mutely, his face buried against Feliks' shirt, still shivering despite the heat radiating from the other boy. He didn't want to argue, didn't want to get into a fight where neither side would budge just to make a stand. Some people were naturally made to fight back, Feliks being one of them, and some people were like Yuui, naturally made to go the road of diplomacy. And then there were people like himself, who would present the face of obedience because it was so much easier than fighting, but who were pathologically incapable of doing what they were told for long.]

[He just wanted to stay away until it all blew over, and maybe then they could pretend to be something like a family again.]

It'll just make it worse. [He knew full well how pitiful and cowardly he sounded, but the words came spilling out anyway.] I don't want them to be angrier than they already are, okay? They'll- I'm sure they will get over this, and everything will be normal again. But it won't happen faster no matter how much we shout. Please, Feliks? You've already made what you feel clear to them, right?

Screw "back to normal."

[It's quiet, sort of unsettlingly so from Feliks. But it's there, unmistakable, and blazing with anger just under the surface.]

Who even needs normal? If normal is them telling you how to be all the time and ignoring who you really are... If it's them talking to you like that and expecting you to just fold, and letting them tell you who you get to be with and how you get to dress and what you get to say, if it's them telling you to throw out everything weird and special and amazing about you, then screw normal!

They don't know even the half of how I feel, and you're totally crazy if you think I'm gonna let them get away with treating either of us like that!

[It's enough, at least, to shake Fai out of the worst shock and numbness. He's still trembling slightly, still feeling tired, still wishing that he could just shut the door on this whole mess, but at least it's a bit easier to find words.]

But nothing they say or do will change anything, okay? I've never been good at doing what they want me to anyway, and now I've got no reason to do it.

[He sighed shakily, leaning his face against Feliks' neck, twining his fingers in his hair as if it was the very last rope that could take him to safety.]

So it doesn't matter what they're doing right now. They'll understand eventually that they can't force me to change, and they'll stop trying. They- They do this because they think they're right, because they think this is what's good for me. They'll change their minds. But we can't change them for them.

I don't care if their minds change or not.

[He curls around him as completely as he can, arms and legs pulling him in close, fingers winding into his hair, trying to physically become the safest space possible.]

But I'm not going to shut up and make nice. Sorry, I'm just... It's just not gonna happen? As long as they keep hurting you, I'm gonna keep fighting them. I can't... Keeping quiet is... is letting it continue, it's going along with it and acting like it's an okay way to act, and it's not, and I can't.

Edited 2014-06-26 23:17 (UTC)

[Fai makes a soft noise which isn't quite laughter, but at least it comes reasonably close, pressing a couple of small kisses to Feliks' neck.]

I would never expect you to, okay? I might drag you away if it looks like there might be a murder - or more - otherwise, but I'll never expect you to pretend to be okay with something you're not. [He let out a small sigh, a part of the tension appearing to leave his body, although far from all of it.]

I'm just saying... I don't think I can be as strong as you. I don't have it in me to keep fighting when I can't see what difference it will make. I'm just... not like that. I'm- Is that okay? You aren't disappointed in me, right?

[Gods, that little last part. What the Hell? How could anyone-- anyone, let alone family!-- have made Fai of all people so quick to jump to that conclusion, so sure he's a disappointment? Feliks makes a displeased little sound, and holds him just a little bit tighter.]

As if! Gods, come here.

[The way he shifts seems to indicate he plans to stay fight there for a long time, and might as well settle in comfortably for it.]

Okay. You? Are never gonna disappoint me. And anyway, you're way more of a fighter than you think you are. But if we're in it together, then it's like, okay either way!

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Video | I wasn't born so much as I fell out

[Action] - With mun permission!

[action] Feliks is a living social emergency

[action] Fai's family is like a magnifying glass for his "do you hear the people sing?" mode.

[action] This is the opposite of what they wanted, I'm sure

Should have tried the "don't be an asshole" technique, then!

His parents are like. using "assist" and it turns into asshole by default...

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