I get it! Just— shut up, you made your point! Leave me alone!
[ it's hyper-focus. that's what it's always been, isn't it? putting all of his attention, all of himself, towards just one thing to the exclusion of anything and everything else because it's so much easier that way. finding the Moon Man. researching the Homunculi. trying to save the victims of Sanctuary. and there's no other way that he could do it (he is horrified by the thought of spending all that time alone in the forest thinking about how he feels, not just the bad nights but every night, every day, for three whole years) but now he can't anymore because this thing has ruined it. no matter how hard he focuses on the things that actually matter, he will always have the knowledge of what it is doing to him, what it has already done to him. he didn't want to know this. everything was fine before.
and now, maybe it's not.
he jack-knifes into himself and his legs give out. shuddering, his staff clatters to the ground, and he presses the heels of his palms into his eyes, tries to breathe. damn it. damn him, damn all of this, why. ]
... I'm so messed up.
[ for a long moment, Jack says nothing else, makes no noise other than his heaving, stuttering breaths, the sound of someone balanced on the fine edge between composure and hysteria. in the silence, although it takes him a while to notice, there is something else noticeably wrong - the Mage hasn't said a word.
because he's gone. all of it is gone, they're sitting here in a regular cave, surrounded by haphazard constructs of ice and patches of frost, so much coldness pouring off Jack that a mist is starting to form across the ground.
Lux's vision had crumbled when she had overcome the fears and the binds that had held her to the memory of that time in her life. it was so... storybook in its conclusion, like it had been leading her there all along, waiting for her to find the way out. she felt trapped, so it set her up in an illusion of her at her most helpless in her memory. she resolved to be in control of her life and broke free. Jack has been thinking about this ever since the two of them left that illusion behind, so it doesn't take long for him to realise what this might mean for his own visions - and when the possibilities click, he starts to laugh. slow and quiet, at first, hunched over, with his hands still over his face. as it builds, the ridiculousness and horror and how pathetic this is dawning on him, he tips over that knife edge and tumbles into hysteria; he lets his head hang back and he just laughs helplessly.
this was so stupid. gods, it didn't even help! this is only going to make things hard, and he doesn't want hard. there isn't even anything he can do about it, because it's not like he's going to stop wanting his memories back or looking for the Moon Man, but he gets what the spectre was saying, he can see it now - whenever people try to understand it just makes him angry because of the things they assume, frustrated that they can't get it and he can't explain it to them. ]
Are— Are you kidding me? [ there is outrage and incredulity in his voice, but that broken edge of humour is still there, and he is grinning wide. ] That was my big moment? That's what all of this was about? "Wow, Jack, you're a screw-up!"
no subject
I get it! Just— shut up, you made your point! Leave me alone!
[ it's hyper-focus. that's what it's always been, isn't it? putting all of his attention, all of himself, towards just one thing to the exclusion of anything and everything else because it's so much easier that way. finding the Moon Man. researching the Homunculi. trying to save the victims of Sanctuary. and there's no other way that he could do it (he is horrified by the thought of spending all that time alone in the forest thinking about how he feels, not just the bad nights but every night, every day, for three whole years) but now he can't anymore because this thing has ruined it. no matter how hard he focuses on the things that actually matter, he will always have the knowledge of what it is doing to him, what it has already done to him. he didn't want to know this. everything was fine before.
and now, maybe it's not.
he jack-knifes into himself and his legs give out. shuddering, his staff clatters to the ground, and he presses the heels of his palms into his eyes, tries to breathe. damn it. damn him, damn all of this, why. ]
... I'm so messed up.
[ for a long moment, Jack says nothing else, makes no noise other than his heaving, stuttering breaths, the sound of someone balanced on the fine edge between composure and hysteria. in the silence, although it takes him a while to notice, there is something else noticeably wrong - the Mage hasn't said a word.
because he's gone. all of it is gone, they're sitting here in a regular cave, surrounded by haphazard constructs of ice and patches of frost, so much coldness pouring off Jack that a mist is starting to form across the ground.
Lux's vision had crumbled when she had overcome the fears and the binds that had held her to the memory of that time in her life. it was so... storybook in its conclusion, like it had been leading her there all along, waiting for her to find the way out. she felt trapped, so it set her up in an illusion of her at her most helpless in her memory. she resolved to be in control of her life and broke free. Jack has been thinking about this ever since the two of them left that illusion behind, so it doesn't take long for him to realise what this might mean for his own visions - and when the possibilities click, he starts to laugh. slow and quiet, at first, hunched over, with his hands still over his face. as it builds, the ridiculousness and horror and how pathetic this is dawning on him, he tips over that knife edge and tumbles into hysteria; he lets his head hang back and he just laughs helplessly.
this was so stupid. gods, it didn't even help! this is only going to make things hard, and he doesn't want hard. there isn't even anything he can do about it, because it's not like he's going to stop wanting his memories back or looking for the Moon Man, but he gets what the spectre was saying, he can see it now - whenever people try to understand it just makes him angry because of the things they assume, frustrated that they can't get it and he can't explain it to them. ]
Are— Are you kidding me? [ there is outrage and incredulity in his voice, but that broken edge of humour is still there, and he is grinning wide. ] That was my big moment? That's what all of this was about? "Wow, Jack, you're a screw-up!"